Thursday, August 21, 2008

Genesis Updated (The California Version)

any years later, the Lord came again unto Noah, who was now living in Southern California, and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: "You have 6 months to build the Ark before the rains commence and they will last for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but there was no Ark.

“Noah!” the Lord roared. “I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the local planning regulations by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to appeal to the Board of Supervisors for a decision.

“Then Pacific Gas & Electric demanded payment in advance for the costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban in California on cutting down the kind of trees You specified in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the spotted owls - but no go!

“And when I started gathering the animals, PETA, an animal rights group, sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will and violating their rights. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until I paid for an Environmental Impact Report and they held public hearings on its adequacy in addressing the mitigation measures needed to deal with the flood I told them I was preparing for in accordance with Your instructions. Among the mitigation measures they are proposing is that I pay for the raising of the major dams and levees across the state by four feet to accommodate the increased run-off which their engineers have calculated will occur. I told them that they were off by a factor of ten, but they wouldn't listen to me.

“I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my work crew.

“Immigration is checking the nationality status of the people I have managed to employ, insisting that I have to run ads to find local workers before I can be allowed to use my sons, who as You know, were not born here and so do not have citizenship. I've had to apply for green cards for them, and they tell me the waiting list is seven years long.

“The labor unions also say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience, and since there are none, I'm in what they call here a "Catch-22".

“To make matters worse, Customs seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years as it's going now for me to finish this Ark.”

And the Lord took pity upon Noah. The skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean You're not going to destroy the world?”

'No,' said the Lord.

“The government beat me to it.’

Thanks to Cranmer (who presents the UK version).


  1. You know, this would be hilarious if it wasn't so heartbreakingly true.

    the snarkster

  2. The Lord took pity on Noah, but the only alternative was to send drought and wildfires upon the land.