Sunday, December 6, 2009

Caligula Converts, Makes His Horse a Bishop

(ENS, Rome) The Emperor of Rome, Gaius Caligula, announced yesterday that he had become a convert to Christianity, and that the Roman Empire would now become the "Episcopalian Empire." In celebration of this momentous event, he said that he would make his horse, Incitatus, a bishop in the Episcopal Church.

"I have learned that the Episcopal Church is a very inclusive church," he said in an interview with Empirical News. "Their Presiding Bishop has said that she will take orders to consecrate any bishop elected in accordance with the rules. Incitatus has been baptized, and so now under the Church's canons, he cannot be excluded from holy orders. We will hold a convention, which I personally shall call, to declare ourselves a Diocese of the Church (I have been told that they cannot wait to have a Diocese of Rome), and then we will elect my horse and notify the Presiding Bishop."

Asked about this news, the Archbishop of Canterbury had the following to say: "The Anglican Communion welcomes all to its doors, and asks only that they observe a period of gracious restraint before engaging in acts which some might take to be contrary to the mind of the Communion. As in any Communion, there can be many a slip betwixt cup and the lip, and I am confident that when (and if) the time comes to extend episcopal fellowship to those whose holy orders qualify them for full participation in the councils here at Lambeth, I or my successor will be up to that task, and will weigh in at the appropriate time with further remarks."

Bishop J. Jon Bruno, of the Diocese of Los Angeles, said that a baptized horse had every bit as much right to become a bishop as he, a divorcé, did. He praised Caligula for his humanitarian act, and observed that it would lead to less lion fodder in the Circus Maximus. "Everyone can be welcomed into the Episcopal Church," he said. "The only losers are the lions."

12 comments:

  1. Your intuitive reaction to the news from Los Angeles is spot on. The situation has become so farcical, that satire is just about the only coherent response that is left.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Right on mark. Absolutely delightful.
    It is high time we all laughed.
    The machinations of the menagerie known as the episcopal church is beyond ridiculous.

    ReplyDelete
  3. At long last, J Jon Brüno (derisive cinematic allusion intended) is quoted as saying something with which I can wholeheartedly agree, namely this:

    "a baptized horse had every bit as much right to become a bishop as (Brüno), a divorcé, did."

    Although I must say that I believe he has understated one point. It is my impression that the south end of a northbound baptized horse would suffice to meet the criteria to which he alluded in his comment.

    Pax et bonum,
    Keith Töpfer

    ReplyDelete
  4. And this time, the Episcopal Church will be getting the entire horse, not just part of it for a bishop!

    How droll!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I suppose I should get used to conservatives treating the decisions of Episcopal diocesan conventions as farcical, but I haven't yet. I would caution those who engage in this kind of "humor" to think of how they will feel when the meet the objects of their derision at the heavenly banquet. John Newton is reported to have said, "If I ever reach heaven I expect to find three wonders there: first, to meet some I had not thought to see there; second, to miss some I had expected to see there; and third, the greatest wonder of all, to find myself there." Mr. Haley may doubt that Bp Bruno or Bp-eelct Glasspool will be there, but I wouldn't count on it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Father Weir, it is good to see that you have your own brand of humor. Nevertheless, none of us can presume to make judgments on such matters, and I respectfully decline to go there with you. I will note, however, that the quotation you give is also attributed to Billy Joel; and it brought to mind one of my favorite quotes from Mark Twain: "Heaven goes by favor [grace]. If it went by merit, you would be left out and your dog would go in."

    And Martial Artist and Allen Lewis, thanks for reinforcing the point. If a horse can be a "small bird" for some purposes, why not then a bishop for others?

    ReplyDelete
  7. "I suppose I should get used to conservatives treating the decisions of Episcopal diocesan conventions as farcical, but I haven't yet"

    I'd be more sympathetic if the liberals gave an ounce of respect to the decsisions of Episcopal dicesan conventions that they disagree with, such as those that lead to a severence of the relationship between the diocese and the denomination.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fr. Weir, when the liberals start treating the decisions that were made by Pittsburg, Ft. Worth, Quincy and San Joachin with respect, than you might, possibly, have a leg to stand on.

    ReplyDelete
  9. When religions expect people in the reality-based community to take their antics seriously, it's either frightening or comic. Fortunately, the US is a free country and we can laugh as Bruno and Williams and Ratzinger fight it out over a shrinking group of old ladies of both sexes.

    ReplyDelete
  10. The problem is that the CoE and its US counter-part appear to appoint only one end of the horse to be bishops. Guess which end!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Jason said...
    "Fr. Weir, when the liberals start treating the decisions that were made by Pittsburg, Ft. Worth, Quincy and San Joachin with respect, than you might, possibly, have a leg to stand on."

    This liberal has never - correct me if I am wrong - shown anything but respect for the people who made those decisions. My only problem is that I think - and I could be wrong - that given the polity of the Episcopal Church those decisions were not allowed. People can leave the Episcopal Church, but I continue to believe that parishes and dioceses can't and that the Anglican Dioceses are, in fact, new dioceses of a new denomination. The Anglican Curmudgeon disagrees with me on this, and I respect his right to hold what I think are mistaken positions. As irritating as I at times find his posts to be, he still has my respect.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Great idea on the new bishop, counselor, especially when several of our worldwide Primates seem to embody the posterior part of the horse

    ReplyDelete